Variables & Other Thoughts

Its all so ridiculous. I don’t understand how people can be so judgmental towards another without really knowing their full back story, but it happens millions of times each day. I am not immune to it either. Why can’t we get this preconceived notion of what people are in their rawest form and be OK with it? Why all the smoke and mirrors? Why do we have to grab pre-erected molds to pour people in so we can have a label for them? In its form as it currently states, there are people, and places, and things… Love should be a given. It should coexist. It should matter, but half the time its just a word folded neatly on a crumpled piece of paper and placed in the back of some ones pocket, only to get worn, forgotten, never to be taken out, even after first wash and dry. It becomes the lint that lives inside its cloth prison. Never to be identifiable again… Until the next time you need or want it. You void your pockets. The cycle repeats.

I feel as though I need to apologize for a lot of things. My self worth is so small that I am the only one sitting at the table spouting “Pity, Party Of One.” No, I don’t feel at though others should pity me. I am my own worst enemy so I need no help in that department. I just am so tired of being on the bottom all the time. I see all these posts on Facebook and elsewhere about how “Only YOU can change your future” or “You have to really want it if you are ever going to get it.” The list goes on and on. I can understand what they mean but don’t agree with them whole heartily. Too many variables to assume this is 100% factual for any and all situations. It is still not going to make me try any less though.

One thing I have been disciplining myself to do is read more. So far 2 books down this year. I eventually want to write a book. I have always wanted to. Am I good enough? The pity party at table one doesn’t think so but its still something I have to try. If I tell my kids to try new things and I never do, what good is that going to do. I have to feel it to do it and then I can speak of it. My first book doesn’t have to be as thick as War And Peace or as thin as a flyer. Nor does it have to be life affirming or promise wealth, but it would be mine. I do enjoy writing and am learning so much from the authors I have read, their art of symbolism and attention to detail and synergy is incredible.

I have decided, on the 9th of February of 2014 I will start my book. I would just be turning 40, some say too late but its better than never at all.

Soon Homeward Bound

I haven’t seen my friends or family for over 6 years. They live in Iowa as well as in Nebraska, and I in Oklahoma. I will be coming back a very different person then I was before. Not only visually different, but spiritually as well.  I have experienced humility, felt pain and loss, and have been stripped of something inside that I don’t think has a name. All I know is that it is something I need to get back.

Spiritually I try to practice Karma… not the theology of Buddhism, but the act of caring and following through with actions without the expectation of reward. To show my children the “right” way. It’s a win win. Even if what I have done or tried to do for the greater good doesn’t get recognized… I still did the right thing and my kids know it. Win, win.

Our trip will consist of six people. Me, my wife, our two boys, and her parents along with a small pet dog that is my wife’s service animal. It will be quite an endeavor.

I just can’t wait to “meet” everyone again. I say that because my family has changed a bit. They have their own lives complete with family units I have never seen before. New experiences that have impacted their lives as well. Last time I have seen my mom, my oldest was 3 and my youngest was 5 months old. Now they are 9 and 6 and can understand the world around them a lot more.

We are going also because we need to. There are family members who’s health isn’t the greatest. We are also going for the laughter, memories, and the creation of more memories.

Pay It Forward

http://kfor.com/2012/04/03/pay-it-4ward/

I look at my 2 monitor system. A picture of one of my friends for over 30 years of my life lay on the right… these words on the left. This man who I had come to realize was one of the reasons I still sit in this chair today. Coming from an alcoholic up rigging amongst other things , I was prone to severe bouts of depression and self loathing. Now? I have 2 great kids and a woman that loves me for me. This man to my right was one of the causes of why I didn’t end my life.

He sported Jesus Christ in one hand and a guitar in the other.

I heard a few weeks that even a few weeks prior he suffered a stroke and can barely understand anything. He lives in Council Bluffs, Iowa. He worked with a youth group to form their relationship and love of God. His official title is Music Associate at Living Grace Lutheran Church. I call him one of the most influentially loved people I have ever known and he deserves everything and more.

Everyone loves Sonny. There was a long standing joke that his beard was the source of his power and we all joke fully try to cut it.

I owe this man my life literally. I lived in an alcoholic home so my depression was at an all time high. He has devoted his life to Christ to help people… and sadly thru the years my faith has suffered through no fault but my own. Having my own medical issues made it harder to maintain work and income.

I haven’t seen this man or my family in Council Bluffs, Iowa in 6 years due to funds and I really don’t know if he would even remember me to this day but I will never forget him. On your newscast you ask us if we have met a person that personifies love for other people. He exemplifies that. Thank you for reading this.

I am not sure if KFOR will pick the story up but, I am in OKC, so I am going to do everything I can… because I can’t not do nothing… not with the gift he gave me.

Can’t wait to see you again old friend.

Derailed Thoughts

Lately I have had a vortex of emotion running through me. It started with a nightmare I had about my children that I am sure all parents have had at one point or another. Without going into the specifics of the dream, obviously this is a blog so you ask yourself, “Why NOT tell the specifics?”  Honestly I just don’t want to relive it. I am a “back burner” sort of guy… and if I were to tell you what exactly happened in the dream, it would be staring back at me in print so. I will leave that part blank.

I want to be known as humble. That ultimate vibrancy of man’s duality against man that causes the great martyrs names to not be whispered in halls of scholars but screamed as though it needed a great urgency of punctuation.

My bouts with relationships between love and family, surely has impacted my current.  I know I have wronged people. misjudged people, and how many times have we all said at one point or another that if we just knew NOW what we knew then, how much we would, and could change.

I am trying really hard not to dwell on the past but, what if something I did or shouldn’t have… had that butterfly effect today? Delayed cause and effect, really.

I feel like a hypocrite at times. Looking at what I have and complaining about something I feel is missing… but I feel it. Is there something that I am either doing or not doing… maybe my struggles with faith in God or A god? Claiming I was a child Christian, and an adult non-believer?

Damn it.

Just… so… damn… confused.

Can you tell?

Her

Is hard to write about things that presently give you joy. Sad that people live in the past rather then the now. I lay next to the exception. She has a style of Ruby, and shines where the smallest and brightest light can’t. Before my life was a half wing of prayer and uncertainty. It’s now full flight. Acoustic brilliance of smile and laughter. We have build a life of us. A monument to the smile and dedication our family has for each other. Center of the chaos. Her. I wouldn’t have it any other way.