Its all so ridiculous. I don’t understand how people can be so judgmental towards another without really knowing their full back story, but it happens millions of times each day. I am not immune to it either. Why can’t we get this preconceived notion of what people are in their rawest form and be OK with it? Why all the smoke and mirrors? Why do we have to grab pre-erected molds to pour people in so we can have a label for them? In its form as it currently states, there are people, and places, and things… Love should be a given. It should coexist. It should matter, but half the time its just a word folded neatly on a crumpled piece of paper and placed in the back of some ones pocket, only to get worn, forgotten, never to be taken out, even after first wash and dry. It becomes the lint that lives inside its cloth prison. Never to be identifiable again… Until the next time you need or want it. You void your pockets. The cycle repeats.

I feel as though I need to apologize for a lot of things. My self worth is so small that I am the only one sitting at the table spouting “Pity, Party Of One.” No, I don’t feel at though others should pity me. I am my own worst enemy so I need no help in that department. I just am so tired of being on the bottom all the time. I see all these posts on Facebook and elsewhere about how “Only YOU can change your future” or “You have to really want it if you are ever going to get it.” The list goes on and on. I can understand what they mean but don’t agree with them whole heartily. Too many variables to assume this is 100% factual for any and all situations. It is still not going to make me try any less though.

One thing I have been disciplining myself to do is read more. So far 2 books down this year. I eventually want to write a book. I have always wanted to. Am I good enough? The pity party at table one doesn’t think so but its still something I have to try. If I tell my kids to try new things and I never do, what good is that going to do. I have to feel it to do it and then I can speak of it. My first book doesn’t have to be as thick as War And Peace or as thin as a flyer. Nor does it have to be life affirming or promise wealth, but it would be mine. I do enjoy writing and am learning so much from the authors I have read, their art of symbolism and attention to detail and synergy is incredible.

I have decided, on the 9th of February of 2014 I will start my book. I would just be turning 40, some say too late but its better than never at all.