Sometimes I don’t think I have enough passion. Well, let me rephrase that. I have a LOT of passion about a lot of things… but I feel like I need to experience MORE things that I SHOULD be passionate for.
What DOES draw me as a self proclaimed artist? Music for one. That is huge for me. I play by ear and love my piano. almost 40 and I can play ONE song from beginning to end. Paparazzi by Lady Gaga. I chose this song because it seemed like no one got mad at me for playing it perpetually from morning to night… and even then it is my own arrangement. I can play several parts of other artists like Ingrid Michaelson’s “Sort Of” and many that I have written myself… but I should be so much better now. Sadly I pictured for so many years of what my talent could bring me. Money, yeah… whatever. I could use some of course but … I am not talking about wealth of paper. I want the emotion, I want to play a song and the beginning middle, and end and it solidifies what I am supposed to be doing, like a mission. The feeling that I was able to transfer those emotions to others and have them get it. Like really… “get it.”.
I have so many holes in me that money won’t fill them up but only grant me therapy sessions. I need so much more. I kept thinking that If I was able to stick with the same song, to mine my passion in it, rather than feel so hard on myself for lacking the creativity outlet and stop due to art blocking, maybe my kids and wife would love me even more. I know, that’s silly. They are my family and they love me with or without the ability to play an instrument. I see my kids faces when I start playing though and its like “Dad’s a super hero.”
I don’t want to be center stage. I wasn’t put together that way. I don’t want to be THE star. I just want to be a part of something that I can contribute to. I don’t have a lot of things outside of my family and friends… when if I can walk from point A to point B without holding anything, and still sit down play, and then leave with more then I got there with… that is what I need.