Post after post. Story after story. Word after word… it all seems so mechanical anymore. The aching on the outside outshines the turmoil on the inside. For so long I have dealt with all the idiocracies my body gives me. I see people over twice my age walk faster, some with an almost spring in their step. I am tired of feeling broken all the time. I want to be able to walk like a 38 year old man then shuffle like a 65 year old fool. Sadly I can’t. I try to go without using my cane and wind up hurting more after because I “caused” my body to bend the way it has problems bending without assistance. Working out only causes more pain. Therapy? Sure… give it to me. If I can lay in bed and hurt myself, therapy isn’t a viable option.
I am a father… at times though it seems this role are getting harder and harder to take on… but I won’t fail. I refuse to. I grew up without really having a father figure. I had two best friends that were like my dad… but they were still new to the world too so we all learned together as we went. That’s what I want to do. Learn WITH my sons, and maybe they will see the fire in me that burns for them.
I am a husband. A husband that loves and respects his wife. I see her as an equal, and treat her as such. She is the only other one on this earth that understands me… and that is a wondrous thing to have. Only one other that sees your pain, not as pity but as a motivator. I hear her every morning to get up and face the day, even though she hasn’t said a word.
I can lay. I can sit. I can walk. I can talk… I can love. I can hold, I can adore. … I can do many things still, but I fear that the list is slowly getting smaller and smaller.
Side Note – The title of this post is a bit confusing I am sure. I came up with it one day while waiting for my wife at a local store. I was sitting on a bench as she was standing in line to get prescriptions. My arm outstretched and grasped the shopping cart. That day I was especially shaky. I looked down and saw all the contents in the shopping cart shake as well… almost as being rocked to sleep.