Foot Update, Depression… & Power

So its been a while since I have posted. Foot is much better. Got all the pins out and one removal on youtube.

Check it out here

I get to transition to a regular shoe but my PT exercising has run into a snag. I can’t seem to bend my second toe at all. My big toe a little. Still working all the kinks out.

I was pretty depressed today. A job I tried for didn’t come to fruition so I felt/feel like a failure. I am looking at the good though…tryin. It wasn’t a job that required a lot of training. Didn’t have anything to do with computers or technology. So there is that. I am open to new experiences but that just wasn’t for me I guess.

They say that if you made a list of your qualities on one side and your imperfections on the other then you will live a short life. Your own eyes are far more cynical then any others. For the most part. I just got to keep moving on. Keep caring and hoping for growth. I will get there, just gotta keep my head in the game.

I have a doctors appt. coming up so hopefully they can prescribe me better meds for this depression aura I got going on. It is emotionally staggering and utterly debilitating. Honestly I am at a loss right now. THINK POSITIVE *I say under the scoffs of self doubt* AND EVERYTHING WILL WORK ITSELF OUT.

Sitting back and re-reading this blog post was supposed to make me feel better but its doing the exact opposite. I feel worse about my anxiety then I did before. I should stop before I break down.


I will keep going because that is what you are supposed to do. Persevere in the face of atrocity. Yeah that part was a little too deep but you get what I am talking about.

*Heavy sigh*

I used to think that I would have accomplished a lot more by the time of my age but I guess its never enough until the end. I saw something that broke me a little today. It was a video on Facebook that a friend posted. It featured a marathon runner. Their muscles were in complete exhaustion but they were still trying to finish the race. It wasn’t about being first. It was about completion. Two guys (also in the race) stopped to help her. As they *each on a side* started their way back down the track, finish line visible… one other man stopped and turned to them. He started walking with them and in one fell swoop picked her up and starting running with her. As they got but a few steps from the finishing line he let her go the rest of the way. She finished the race under her power but with the help of others.

This really got me.

I am tired of being escorted. I don’t want to be lifted up. I want to be that person that turns around and helps the person behind me. I want to pick THEM up. I understand that everyone needs help at some point, I get that and I appreciate that… I am just… I don’t know. I want to run under my own power. I want to matter again. I know that all my actions are shadowed by my children’s eyes. I want them to run under their own power. I want them to never stop. I want them to never feel like they don’t matter.

They are my world… and that is why I keep turning.


Lets Talk About Feet Baby

So incredibly bored right now. I had surgery on my left foot due to medical reasons and it was deformed as hell. They both are… ANYWAYS, I am laid up at the house looking for something to do so I thought, hell… blog about it. Here is what my foot looks like now :

WP_20180511_005 (1).jpg

…pretty painful to say the least but I am on the mend. I have to wait 4 months before I can get the other foot done, if that gives ya any idea about the recouping time. The pins that are going through the tips of my toes go all the way down to about the middle of my foot. I have a doctors appointment this week so I will probably get more pins removed. I have gotten my pinky toe pin removed which is awesome. Shows I am healing like I am supposed to. Ah, news fact, they pull the pins out without numbing the any area or use any kind of medication. Yeah. Before the doctor pulled out my pinky pin he said it feels like a bee sting. I am not too sure about that. It stung alright but like no bee I ever had the pleasure of being stung by. The big toe will be the worst due to the pin that is in it is a lot more thick than the others. It’s gonna be interesting when that day comes. I have a doctors appointment once a week will my pins are out then I am assuming it will taper off a bit to an appointment once every two weeks or so. I just gotta grin and bare it. That means finding something to occupy my time. Something that I enjoy doing.

I am a pretty huge computer geek so I posted on my Facebook page asking if anyone had any computers, parts, or gadgets that I can mess around with to help pass the time due to me loosing a lot of my computer parts due to a unscheduled move, but sadly to no avail I have found none. I understand that though. Not everyone has those parts or computers just lying around not being used. I am not really 100% mobile and don’t have the money to just go out any purchase them so hopefully something will come up.

My everyday shoe –



I can get around ok but of course I have trouble from time to time. I am not supposed to put any weight on it at all until I get all of those gosh forsaking pins out. I have a pair of crutches and a manual scooter that I use. More of a pain than anything.

If you don’t know me I am pretty hard headed and this whole not being able to move thing is kinda pissing me off. I also am constantly forgetting that I had surgery and will just crawl into or out of bed and go, OW! …duh jackass. Move slower or remember. You will save yourself a lot of misery that way. Lol.

…later on the same day…

I GOT to find something to get my mind occupied on! Siri and Google mini aren’t that good conversationalists after a span of time. There is always facebook and Youtube but even THAT gets old hat after a while. My room mate works overnights so she sleeps during the day which is when I am awake so I feel like I am bugging people wanting to chat. I know… “Its the poor Ryan boy, he is lonely again, put the phone on silent. Hehehe.

I wanna get my hands dirty and dive into a computer tower and fix/install something. Take something apart. SOMETHING!


Well. I have wasted enough time on my blog, and yours if you have read this far. I will jot a few more lines later. See ya!



Here And Now

Unable to see the daylight behind the walls.
Pictures on them remind me of a simpler time.
A time of innocence, raw and unwavering.
Everything has changed.

Forced to find direction with no gravity
No leader to follow
No will to become one
Someday will be my always
I will grow, I will blossom, I will fight.

The Dream And The Process

The dream hits me hard as shards of life’s sting. I am not allowed to speak, my vocal cords tremble a tiny chorus of hell and all goes dark. I see but a square of blurriness where my sight should be. Dim, a scene unfolds of a tree being climbed in solitary youthfulness. Higher, and higher the movie-like camera pans from trunk to sky. Remnants of ripped and deformed leaves fall below. One branch is seemingly different than that of the others. Somewhat golden in hue and saturation. A bass drum begins to beat. Slow at first. The sun breaks the night with jesus spotlights of prim and pose. One arm outreached toward the yellow beacon. Just shy, the fingertips scratch through the outer bark, and pass-thru to the other side of nothing. The drum decreases its delay between itself. The blurriness is no longer part of the picture. Its me, and I have failed. Taking something in plain site and miscalculated, has caused my momentum to carry me though to unsupported quadrants. My mind isn’t focused on falling, but obtaining higher altitude and to fix my mistake. My legs strengthen and then flex to gain greater distance to stability. My weight shifts to my upper body as I super-man leap to a fork of connected tree limbs. My feet leave support and are left dangling. Brute arm strength is the deciding factor of this un-orchestrated move. I am left, alone and without another plan. My options are up which seems impossible, and down, which would lead to a demise of sorts. So I hang, pleading with the gods of fate and intervention to intercede.

It is then that I wake with sweat and disorientation. Unsure of what caused these events to unfold. It could have been anything that was triggered in my brain. I do find it odd that they say dreams last but a few seconds yet are filled with calculated moves and time frames. Scenery so vivid the moss living on the skin of the trees, the birds song still playing in my head.

Simply remarkable.